


make you never wanna leave (i won't)

by superwholockedin



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Evan "Buck" Buckley Whump, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Mild Language, Spoilers for 4X05, but he apologizes like..a lot, god these tags are heart wrenching, i can't believe that's a tag, kinda ooc only because i don't think buck would ever kiss someone without premission, someone finally hugs Buck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29480469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwholockedin/pseuds/superwholockedin
Summary: “But you don’t...not...not like that.” Eddie wants to correct him, to stop Buck’s heart from crumbling to pieces right in front of him, but Buck’s already speaking again. “Because why would you, why would anyone? Not even my own parents did so how could I possibly expect it from you? How could I have expected it from...from Abby or Ali or any of those other girls...A-And now I’ve fucked up the one--no, the two-- good things in my life.”“Buck, can you just--”“And I thought if I could only do the one thing that I am any good for, it would be okay. But here I am, fucking that up too.” And if that implication didn’t send Eddie’s heart for his stomach...
Comments: 1
Kudos: 101





	make you never wanna leave (i won't)

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so buck begins left me with a lot of thoughts and feelings. 
> 
> for starters, i didn't looove the way the whole revelation to the team happened, i felt like the team was a little insensitive about the whole "I used to hurt myself so I knew someone cared" thing. 
> 
> Either way, it got me thinking about the way buck used sex as a coping mechanism in an attempt to feel like someone cared and to feel connected to someone. 
> 
> anyway, this is just a pretty rushed, occ work in which buck tries to use that same coping mechanism with eddie (who he does actually have feelings for) right after finding out and eddie reacts the way a normal person should when their best friend tells you that they think they have to do stupid stuff to be loved...
> 
> I'm sorry it's rushed, not my best work but I had to get it out :) Enjoy!

_ Something’s wrong.  _

Those are the first words that flash in his head when he opens the door.

Buck is quiet, damn near silent, before he asks where Chris is, nodding at Eddie’s reply of “in bed, fast asleep.” He’s got this weird, wired energy around him but in the way a shaken soda bottle holds in an explosion. It’s like all that energy that Buck had at the station the other day has been compressed into this quiet ball.

At the station, he’d been raw with anger, ready to fight anyone or anything. Now he’s bouncing on his feet and pacing back and forth, a nervous air bubble enclosing around the two of them. 

“Why don’t you just sit down, I’ll get us some beers. Have you eaten?” Eddie switches pace and leads Buck to the couch. 

“I don’t need to sit down, I’m good, I just…” he trails off just as Eddie raises an eyebrow. 

“Just what?” He prompts. After a beat of silence, where Buck looks stuck between a rock and a hard place, he tries again. “Buck, if this has anything to do with the other day, with the punching bag and your parents--” 

“Don’t.” And there’s that anger again but it only lasts for a passing second and then he’s pacing again (Eddie thanks the Heavens for the carpet that is keeping the action from waking his son.) 

“Buck--”

Then Buck is headed towards him, fast, and the thought that Buck is going to hit him pulses through his brain before he feels Buck’s lips on his, they’re rough and he can tell that the skin on them must be bitten raw, feeling as jagged and broken as Buck looks. Then, just as fast as they were there, he pulls away and Eddie can tell. He knows now that he’s watching a fight. An internal battle between Buck and himself:

In one corner, the Buck who is rough, cocky, and impulsive, the one who kissed him just a second before. In the other, the one who pulled away and immediately resumed pacing the floor. The one who is spewing apologies from his lips.

“Fuck.” Buck curses under his breath, not looking at Eddie, not even daring to look in his direction. “I’m sorry, I never do...I don’t...I’m so sorry. I should not have done that.” Then, with fear flashing through his eyes, he dares to meet Eddie’s eyes. “I’ll go. I won’t...I’ll stay away--”

And Eddie can't let Buck walk out that door, not like this, not thinking that Eddie hates him. Not when Eddie doesn't think he'll ever come back if he leaves right now. “Buck, no” 

But it’s too late, he’s already scrambling for his keys, though it’s clear that he can’t remember even placing them down nor where he put them. (The table by the doorway, next to a photo of Chris.)

“Buck, stop, it’s okay” 

But it’s not until Eddie’s hand makes contact with Buck’s shoulder that the younger man freezes.

“I’m not mad,…” he says, “I just...can we slow it down for a minute? Talk?”

“You’re not mad?” Buck asks before turning around. He sounds like such a scared kid and Eddie just wants to wrap him up. 

“No, I’m not.” he reassures and Buck lets out a shaky breath. “Let’s do this one more time.” And he’s leading Buck back to the couch again, this time dropping down next to him. 

“What’s going on up there?” 

Buck shakes his head, his leg bouncing anxiously. “Can’t. Don’t want to think about it.” 

Eddie, ever the master of words, is stuck. He’s never seen Buck like this. For as much as Buck is unstable and impulsive, he’s always had the clearer head when it came to emotions. He’s always asked questions first, hit later. After Eddie must have been silent for too long, Buck sighs. “I wanted a distraction, that’s all I want.  _ Please _ .” The last word, so desperate and pleading, nearly tears his heart in half. And if he had been asking for anything else, Eddie would've done anything to give it to him. 

But not this, never this. Because he knows. He and Buck have had conversation after conversation about this, about who Buck was before, about the way Buck had changed and the way he never wanted to be that person again. And Eddie has a responsibility to him, to keep him from sliding back. 

“Buck, I care about you so much, believe me--” Eddie starts. 

He wants, needs, to explain to Buck that he loves him and wants everything good for him. That he would  _ love  _ to be kissing him back right now--that he’s waited  _ years  _ for this to happen--but he  _ can’t _ . 

But he’s chosen the wrong words, again, and Buck is wincing, pulling away.

“But you don’t...not...not like that.” Eddie wants to correct him, to stop Buck’s heart from crumbling to pieces right in front of him, but Buck’s already speaking again. “Because why would you, why would anyone? Not even my own parents did so how could I possibly expect it from you? How could I have expected it from...from Abby or Ali or _any_ of those other girls...A-And now I’ve fucked up the one--no, the  _ two-- _ good things in my life.”

“Buck, can you just--”

“And I thought if I could only do the  _ one thing  _ that I am  _ any  _ good for, it would be okay. But here I am, fucking that up too.” And if that implication didn’t send Eddie’s heart for his stomach...

“Hey, hey, you are  _ not  _ fucking anything up, alright?” Eddie places a hand on Buck’s. “I never said that I didn’t feel the same...but I think we should talk about what’s going on before we deal with that." He takes a loud, intentional breath, prompting Buck to do the same before asking again: "What happened?”

Buck’s quiet again, avoiding his eyes, for a long moment and then: “I had a brother. I had a brother and they never told me.” Eddie schools his expression to remain neutral because he knows there has to be more. That’s a betrayal but not one that would make him this upset, it wouldn't send him down this spiral. And so he waits. “But he died. I failed him. I failed the  _ one  _ thing that I was meant to do.”

“What do you mean you failed him, you were just a kid.”

“I was supposed to save him, I was supposed to  _ cure  _ him and instead I made everything worse and left my family with a constant reminder.” Self deprecation lingers in his tone, a barely suppressed cry, “I guess now we know why they spent my whole life acting like...like I was a burden.”

“You are  _ not  _ a burden, Buck.” Eddie shakes his head, “you were a baby and no matter what happened, there was nothing that you could have done.”

He knows he doesn't know the whole story and that Buck is not in the right headspace to fill in the blanks but he doesn't need to know any of that to know that Buck would never do anything less than his best, especially to save his family. 

Besides, t his was insane, how could anyone expect a child to do so much, how could anyone  _ blame  _ that child for not living up to their impossible standard? 

“I-I spent my whole life just thinking that that's the way families were. I thought that you were  _ supposed  _ to have to fight for your parents’ love and attention. I thought that all my broken bones and bloody scrapes were  _ normal _ and then I met the 118 and I realized it’s not. I realized that Hen and Karen and Athena and Bobby and  _ you. _ ..you all just loved your kids, no questions asked, no hesitation.”

“Broken bones? Scrapes?” 

Buck looks at his hands sheepishly, apparently his foot in mouth syndrome catching up to him. “I realized at a young age that the only times my parents treated me like their child, like a human being, was when I was bloody or bruised. I took to...some not so careful skateboarding and...tree branch falling...Took 20 something years to learn the reason why…”

“Buck…” Eddie’s voice drops for a moment and his heart tugs once more. “Buck, I know we all joke about your running into danger and all that but I hope you know that we love you, no matter what. You don’t have to put yourself in harm’s way to have our love and attention.” Buck shrugs like he doesn’t really believe him. “I’m serious, Chris and I...we love you  _ way  _ more when you’re happy and safe...here. With us.” He’s drifted into candid softness but he knows that Buck needs it and Buck’s needs trump his fear of talking about emotions. “We love you.”

Buck nods, “I love you guys too, more than I thought I even could.” 

“We know, you show us every day…” And the feeling of triumph is a small burst in his chest when that makes Buck smile, a small, sad one but a smile nonetheless. “ _ And _ you show us that every day without the  _ “one thing you are any good for.” _ " He puts up the finger quotes for good measure, "It’s just not true, alright? You are an amazing firefighter and an even better man. You do everything and anything for your family and, hell, even random strangers you meet  _ every day _ . You are good for so much more than you give yourself credit for.” 

Buck blinks, tears pooling in his eyes and Eddie takes the chance to wrap his arms around the younger man. Buck immediately falls into the hug and it strikes him that it’s been  _ far  _ too long since anyone has hugged the other. 

He knows there are so many pieces that need to be picked up, so many parts that need to be discussed, but right now, tonight, he could hug his best friend and remind him that he is loved. 

“I intend on doing a better job of showing you that.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'good for you' by selena gomez because i thought it was kinda fitting :)


End file.
